by Jonathan Robinson.
Recently, as I got ready for bed, I thought about how it would be great to interview God just like we interview celebrities. Well, somehow this "prayer" was answered. I soon fell asleep and was greeted by God in a dream. Of course, I didn’t know it was a dream at the time, so you can imagine how surprised I was that God looked and sounded like Deepak Chopra. I excitedly sat down next to "God," and asked him if I could interview him. In his deep Indian accent he said, "Why not? But I only have time for 12 questions." Well, I thanked him, then began:
Me: So, should I call you God or The Almighty?
God: Either one, you have free will. You have eleven questions left.
Me: Wait a minute, I just wanted to know what to call you. You’re not going to hold that against me, are you?
God: Yes I will. You have ten questions left.
Me: Wait a minute! Why are you being so unfair?
God: Because I can. After all, what good does it do to argue with God? You have 9 questions left.
Me: Okay, Okay, can you give me a moment? I want to come up with a really good question.
God: …I can wait here forever. You have 8 questions left.
Me: Oh Christ!…I mean darn it. Okay, here’s a question, what happens after you die?
God: I’m God. I don’t die. You have 7 questions left.
Me: Well, okay, then can you tell us what can we do to become closer to God…to uh… you?
God: Absolutely nothing! You are already swimming in God. You ain’t gonna get much closer than that baby…
Me: Well, okay, then what kind of spiritual practice do you recommend?
God: What I tell my children is to go out and find something with spirit in it, like a good bud of marijuana, and smoke it until everything looks like God.
Me: That’s a bit unexpected. Thank God it’s now legal where I live.
God: You’re welcome.
Me: Tell me…what do you recommend people eat?
God: The best diet, in my opinion, is donuts, Pop Tarts, and Pepsi.
Me: Donuts, Pop Tarts and Pepsi? Why those?
God: Because when they kill you, it will bring you closer to me faster than any other diet! …You have 4 questions left.
Me: Okay, let me think…On a personal note, I guess I want to know how someone like me can have a closer emotional connection to God, to uh…you?
God: Do what I did: get a dog. Dogs are one of the gifts I’ve given to people to teach them about unconditional love. Once you’re able to love a dog, then work on people. If you try to start with people, it’s just too hard. Much too hard. But if you love a dog, you can always imagine that people are like dogs! …And if you take care of them like a dog, you’ll start to love them. By the way, would you like a biscuit?
Me: Yes please…hmmmm, that’s a really good biscuit. Thank you…
God: That’s a good boy…a very good boy.
Me: God, …would you be willing to give me the lottery numbers that will win tomorrow?
God: If I knew, I certainly wouldn’t tell you! Just because I think I’m God doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. Jesus Christ!
Me: Okay, okay, I understand. Sorry. Then, I guess I just want to know what else I can do to be closer to you?
God: Do absolutely nothing, and do a lot of it! Do it all the time if you can. You get two more questions.
Me: I…I guess I really want to know what I…or what we… are here to do on Earth?
God: Be You. That’s all; be you.
Me: I thought I was already being me.
God: Well, you’re doing a terrible job of it. You know when you smile at someone but you’re really thinking they’re a jerk, then you’re not being you. Or when you’re afraid or hurt, but you play it cool, you’re not being you. Think of babies… I made them so they had to be who they were, and everyone love’s a baby; a cute little helpless baby coochy coo… But when you babies get older you start to think you can hide the Truth, and you screw up and distort how cute you really are deep down inside. That makes me very sad. You’re a perfect you, so be who you are…without all the pretending.
Me: Hey that’s really helpful. I guess you’re pretty wise.
God: That comes with knowing everything… One last thing. You don’t need that microphone to talk to me. However, I like to play "hide and seek" so I hid in the last place you’d think to look — within you. I also crammed the Kingdom of Heaven in there, so there’s plenty to explore in there if you’d just put down your God damn iPhone for a minute.
Me: I hear you…Wow, this has been really something. God, can I ask you one last question?
God: Yes, and that was the question. Gotta go… I’ve got 14 trillion life forms waiting to talk to me. Have a nice life. I love you and goodbye…
Me: Goodbye God, and thanks for everything!
The next thing I knew, I woke up and realized it was just a dream. Then, to my surprise, I heard a heavily accented Deepak Chopra voice call out to me. It said, "It was not just a dream. I’m God. I’m real…it’s you who are just a dream."